Five weeks have passed since our last journey together, where we explored the wonders of farm life with our children. During this time, life took an unexpected and tragic turn in our family. My 15-year-old niece, a bright and beautiful soul, was taken from us in a high-speed car accident, leaving us all reeling in shock and grief.
Now that things have settled and I have gone into, what I deem as, my bubble of denial, I want to address the immense mental workload that this process can wreak on a person. I had the privilege and the pain of being asked by my sister, and agreeing to, planning her funeral, writing and delivering her eulogy, and preparing a memorial video for the service. This is something I had never done before. Additionally, I was grieving a loss I had never experienced before.
The stages of grief we've encountered, and how to navigate this challenging journey, especially when it involves helping children cope with loss, is what I want to share.
Storm before the storm
My niece died late on a Thursday night. By the time I drove from California to Arizona to be with my sister, it was Friday morning. Sleep was a goal but not reality. Watching my normally positive sister grieve while I tried to mask my own grief and be "the strong one" felt like a front everyone knew. Sobbing was constant. My eyes burned. I was lucky that I had a sitter for my kiddos already planned because I was supposed to be working all weekend. The silver lining was that at least I didn't have to juggle my children during this immediacy.
The Mental Workload of Planning a Funeral
What set the ball in motion for funeral services was simply understanding, as a nurse, that people who die need to be laid to rest. What I didn't know was everything else. Here are just some basics that I learned in the first few days that I think can help people going through the same thing when their brain is already fried:
Your loved one is either with a medical examiner/coroner if an autopsy is required/requested
The hospital will know the organization
You can't really plan when a funeral will happen until the autopsy and report are done and the next of kin has signed an authorization to release them to the funeral home
Or they are at a funeral home if an autopsy is not required/requested
Funeral home names are offered in hospitals and someone can be transferred if you change your mind on which funeral home to use
You don't have to have a funeral at a funeral home
We chose to hold my niece's in her high school auditorium, so think outside the box for bigger venues if need be
Community support plays a HUGE role in getting things done when you just can't
Elk's Lodge, VFW, kid organizations, business owners you know or don't know, and anyone you can think of that can lend a hand will more often than not do exactly that
Come up with a plan to acquire photos and videos en masse
My phone number was released on a TikTok video and I received thousands of videos and photos to use for the memorial video, stage posters, and photo collage video, from Mosaically that played in the. lobby.
Planning a funeral is a complex and emotionally taxing task, especially when you're grieving yourself. The logistics, arrangements, and decisions can be overwhelming. To prevent burnout and caregiver fatigue during this process:
Seek Help: Don't hesitate to ask for assistance from friends and family. But the hard part about this was that those that I usually went to for a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to were also grieving. And even though counseling can be an option, when you need it fast, that may be hard to get through a scheduled counseling appointment. So, I reached out to friends I don't typically vent to about personal matters. And they did just as good of a job at listening and saying just the right things.
Prioritize Self-Care: Take breaks, eat well, and get enough rest. I know I averaged one shower per week for the two weeks leading up to the funeral. And remembering to show some love to my husband took extra effort. I almost felt like my niece's spirit was around, so any intimacy felt wrong. But grief takes a toll on both the mind and body, so self-care is crucial. And sustaining your relationships goes hand-in-hand with self-care.
Delegate Responsibilities: Share the workload with others. You don't have to handle everything on your own. I asked my husband for help with music. Friends made shirts for the pallbearers. Friends who owned a restaurant hosted the dinner after the family viewing. So. Many. People. Help. Ask for it.
Navigating Grief and Loss
Grief is a personal journey, and it affects each of us differently. The various stages of grief, from denial and anger to bargaining and depression, can happen out of order, at random times, or not at all. It's essential to remember that healing is not linear, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions.
I think denial has been coming and going since I heard the words while I was on the phone with my sister. I didn't believe it in that moment. That shock. And since then, not living in the same town and more often not having her in my house than in it, tricks my brain into thinking she's just somewhere else.
And I believe depression and anger hit differently for me, in that I was easier to anger and it was likely from being sad and tired and just on edge. But what I would recommend is not letting those stages of grief be your get out of jail free card to turn any of it on people you love or who need your care, like your children. If I snapped at my kids or blew up on them, I always circled back and apologized for being a jerk. Which brings me to my next biggest hurdle in all of this:
Supporting Children in Grief
Helping children navigate grief is one of the most challenging aspects of loss. My 8-year-old daughter was particularly close to her cousin and my 4-year-old may never truly remember her, and coming to terms with those things and understanding the weight those facts hold while I help them is important. Couple tips on helping them navigate while you are:
Open Communication: Encourage children to express their feelings and thoughts. Create a safe space for them to ask questions. Luckily, I have worked hard my entire parenthood at just being their safe space, so they felt comfortable asking me questions at any time.
Honesty and Age-Appropriate Information: Share information about death in a way that is appropriate for their age. Be truthful but sensitive. A high-speed car accident has it's very obvious adult-only facts, but children do not understand the gravity of injuries yet, especially my 4-year old. So, ensuring they understood that their cousin's injuries are different than the ones they typically get also helps them to not grow irrational fears.
Memorializing the Lost Loved One: Involve children in creating a memorial, such as a scrapbook or memory box, to help them remember and process their feelings. My daughter's school counselor beat me to this one by having her decorate a mason jar and filling it with scrap strips of paper for her to write down memories as they came up. It's now her memory jar xoxo
First Holidays and Last Memories
The first holidays and special occasions after a loved one's passing can be incredibly challenging. Just three weeks after her death, my birthday arrived and then Mother's Day was a week after that. Of all the holidays. But they will all suck, let me be blunt. We celebrated with a brunch at my house and, although I was able to see my sister genuinely laugh for the first time, it was a bittersweet reminder of the absence of one cherished family member.
These milestones and holidays force us to confront the concept of "lasts." The last Valentine's Day she celebrated, the last "I love you" we exchanged, the last Halloween costume she wore, the last New Year's Eve she counted down to, and the last school dance she attended. Each memory, once taken for granted, now holds profound significance.
The Figurative Death of a Parent
Lastly, it's important to acknowledge that when a child is lost, a part of the parent is lost as well. My sister, like many grieving parents, has gone through a figurative death of self. The person she was before, the one filled with joy and happiness, that had gone through so much to get to where she was the day before her daughter died, has been forever altered.
I have accepted the death of my niece because I can no longer see her, hear new stories about her, or hear her and, therefore, my grief is intermittent. But my sister, I grieve for her every time I'm with her because it's not the same person. Deep down, she is different. It goes without saying but, it's essential to offer unconditional support, love, and patience during this time for those who are survived.
Resources for Coping with Grief
Lastly, if you or someone you know is struggling with grief, there are resources available to provide support and guidance:
Childhood Grief Resources: Organizations like The Dougy Center and The National Alliance for Grieving Children offer resources and support for children coping with loss.
Grief Support Groups: Many communities have grief support groups that can provide a sense of community and understanding during difficult times.
Counseling and Therapy: Professional help can be instrumental in navigating complex grief. Seek out therapists or counselors specializing in grief and loss.
The journey through grief and loss of a child is a difficult one, and planning a funeral while grieving can feel like an insurmountable task. However, with support, self-care, and understanding, we can find ways to navigate this challenging road. Remember that healing takes time, and it's okay to seek help and lean on the resources available to us. Let's honor the memory of our loved ones and cherish the time we have with those still here with us, all while acknowledging the profound impact of first holidays and the weight of the "lasts" we hold dear.
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